Protecting the Pastor's Children

I had a wonderful experience this last week. One of my adult children shared some spiritual truth with me that I had forgotten.  In this case, it was a good exhortation (code for “kick in the pants”). Now, this adult child regularly brings joy to my heart for a variety of reasons but there was something so wonderful  about hearing spiritual truth from a person that used to be my baby child. What a small and yet majestic thing it was to be encouraged in my faith by my child.  And it could easily have never happened. Just growing up in a Christian family doesn’t  guarantee authentic relationship with Christ. We all want our children to become faithful, mature adults. However, growing up as a “pastor’s kid” can make this extra hard.

There are many who see their children become casualties of the ministry. These children watch and hear as their mothers and fathers get hurt by the same adults who are their beloved Sunday school teachers, worship leaders and trusted adult friends. I have known children who struggle and kick against the church for years because of the difficult times their families have gone through. I have tried to teach my children not to blame God for the mistakes that we as His children make towards each other. It is a hard lesson for all of us to learn and unfortunately, many pastor’s kids see too much bad behavior in Christian adults.

For those who are raising children while also pastoring and leading imperfect people, there are some dangers.  And not just from the people who attend our church. Sure, they might expect too much from your child. They might say something unkind about the church (or the pastor)that your child hears . However, what if we are the ones exhibiting the bad behavior? Maybe we are always talking negatively about the church around our children. Talking about church usually becomes talking about people. Isn’t this still gossip? They are listening to the frustration and anger we express.

We are constantly making choices that our children see and internalize. I know there were times when my children felt “the church” was more important to their parents than they were. This was never intentional of course, but we made choices that communicated this to our children.  At the time, it seemed so important to meet with a new couple in the church instead of having dinner with the kids. Or, it was crucial that the elders meeting take place on the same night as a school function. I know I was sometimes unaware of these subtle choices and what priorities they conveyed to my children. We didn’t always choose wisely.

We can’t protect our children from everything, but we can protect them from a lot of things. We can choose not to talk negatively about those whom we pastor. We can try to  order our times and schedules to reflect all our priorities. We can speak love and forgiveness to them about the hurtful things that happen in church life. We can help them process the grief they feel when their best “church friend’s” family leaves. We can show them that God is enough for us when things are rough and therefore, He is enough for them too. Our own authenticity and faith will be a sign for them.

They may go through a faith crisis. They may go through a “church” crisis. (Those are two different things) And although there are no guarantees, they may end up exhorting you with wonderful truths about God that you forgot. I pray for the latter.