Hey, I need a pastor too.

So, who is my pastor? If you have ever been a pastors’ wife, or a pastor yourself you have probably asked this question.  Maybe you didn’t ask it out loud, maybe you only thought it, but you probably have at least wondered about it.
I think most Christians assume that pastors have some kind of person or group of people that they can go to for personal counsel and advice (This in itself is rarely true, but that is another story). But what about the pastors’ wife?  Should she expect pastoral care from her husband? Is he the best person to pastor her?  

I am not saying that your spouse can’t teach, minister to, pray for and lead you as your pastor. My husband is still my favorite speaker and I have heard him a gazillion times. He still speaks wonderful truth to my soul. He is wise, deep and a great source of spiritual knowledge for me. However, I can remember times when I felt I needed a pastor, but I didn’t want to talk to my husband.  I’m sure many of you have experienced this as well. I wanted  a completely objective person who I didn’t have to live with afterwards.  Maybe your spouse can put aside the fact that he is married to you when you come to him for, well, pastoral advice.  And maybe he can’t.  Or maybe, like me, you just want a different pastor for those times; one you aren’t married to. It can get tricky…

Every ministry couple has their own style of relating to each other and working together within the context of their marriage and church. Some rely on each other for every aspect of their spiritual development and some don’t.  Some pray together daily and some don’t. Some feel that they can talk to each other about anything, and some don’t. There is nothing wrong with needing a person other than your spouse for some kinds of pastoral care.

We need people who can listen well, pray with and for you and then point us to Jesus. We need the care and concern of a friend and sometimes we need practical advice. This can be a hard role for our spouses to fill objectively.  And for many of us, these kinds of people are not plentiful.

If you have one good spiritually mature friend, you are fortunate. If you also have friends who are pastors in other churches, you are even more fortunate.  Nurture these friendships so that you both have someone to talk to when your spouse just isn’t the best choice for the situation.  Making time for these kinds of relationships can easily get put on the back burner. It doesn’t feel as pressing and urgent as so many of the other things we do…until we need that friend, that counsel and support. You are not an island, and you and your spouse together cannot be an island either, even when it may feel like “you and me against the world”. You both need more than just each other.