One time when I was at a national church conference, I went forward for prayer. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted prayer for; I just knew that I felt drained, tired and discouraged. A few people had left our church and were bad mouthing my husband, the pastor, to others still at our church. It was a painful, confusing time and my response had been to withdraw from people and avoid as many church activities as I could. I went to the conference hoping for refreshment and clarity.
The woman who prayed for me was someone I didn’t know, but I recognized. She and her husband pastored a large church and she was a very visible, up front part of their ministry. Our church was small, I was behind the scenes at that time in my life and I didn’t expect to have anything in common with her. I was wrong. One of the first things she prayed was that God would free me from my fear of the people in my church. I had a spiritual jaw-drop moment when God whispered to me “she’s right, you are terrified of these people who you are trying to lead” I had never realized that the discouragement, fatigue and emptiness I had been feeling was really a gut full of fear. I was afraid of the things people said, I was afraid of them leaving the church and how that would affect me, afraid of what they thought of me or my husband, and afraid of being kicked when I was down. I was afraid of being hurt. The best part of this realization was that when she finished praying for me, she shared how she struggled with the same fear. She had prayed for my fear to be replaced by peace, my hesitation to be replaced by confidence. We talked for a bit about how overwhelming it could be to feel so vulnerable to the actions of others, to know that their choices could impact you so strongly. I felt a great weight lifting, just knowing that she understood. I left that conference with her words in my mind:
“It’s okay to recognize that people can hurt you, but it’s not okay to live in fear of them”It had been difficult to be with people, to listen to them, pray with them, to empathize, help or comfort them because I was paralyzed in my own fear. I was crippled in my ability to lead. I can’t say that all fear of people has disappeared, but knowing that others struggle with this and that I was not alone made a powerful impact on me. Maybe you have experienced this fear too and you can relate to my story. You’re not alone and you probably have a story like this of your own. I’d love to hear it. You can leave a comment below or send me an email at ellenpjacobs@gmail.com
What a profound and relevant reminder to anyone who has felt stung by the church--and especially for women in ministry. This is one for the ages, and I'm gonna pass it on.
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I live daily in the fear of what people think. I realized yesterday that more specifically, I live in the fear of their judgement. I am certain there were judgements of me growing up by various groups of people from adults to peers. These really left an impression on me. Now I'm a perfectionist in hopes that I'll do everything so well (perfectly) that there is no room for a negative judgement. On the flip side, I've learned to judge others. Unfortunately, I'm way too good at that.
ReplyDeleteIf there was something I could change about myself, this would probably be number 1 on my list.
I think one of the hardest things for us can be to learn to trust again, especially once we've been burned. Sometimes it just takes time and prayer. I think it's important that we give ourselves time to get over wrong done to us. Thanks for being so open and honest.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your candor and transparency. This is very helpful and encouraging. I think most of us have to overcome living in the fear of man, and I've found the most liberating way is to replace it with living in the fear of God alone!
ReplyDeleteTwelve years ago I began a four-year divorce process through the courts. For me, this was a failure - failure to uphold a marriage vow I made to God. But, it couldn't be stopped. There was a lot of public humiliation from my ex, gossiping untruths to protect his ego. I learned to isolate, hold my head low, and live in fear of what people knew, didn't know, or thought of me. Looking back with 20-20 wisdom, I realize I wasted a LOT of time with my concerns. I now know the only thing that should have mattered to me was what GOD thought. But, I am human, and went through this as many humans would have. I hope I learned something, and will handle my fears differently next time. It is so easy for me to be more concerned with what people think of me, instead of what God KNOWS about me. Thanks for sharing this, Ellen. Great food for thought.
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